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The Fan

There are good days and there are bad days. Today was a bad day. 

Not a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day- just a hum-drum bottom rung bad day. I woke up late. I wasn't as prepared as I thought at school. My kids were wound up and I was fed up. Not a good combination. I packed a salad for lunch- it was good, just unfulfilling. I didn't quite finish what I needed to at school. My little package from nature decided to show up two days early and create a disaster out of nowhere. It was worse than middle school. Thanks for that bundle of joy. We raced home to a house full of peeing puppies. Our house feels like a giant pee pad most days. (But I LOVE our dogs ...) and. The list. Goes on. And on. 

We decided this would be a great day to go back to Kubex and get in shape. My weights were too heavy and each cube was a disappointment. I felt sore, and worse than I did entering the gym. 

I did choose a very yummy protein shake- silver linings. 

Came home to a lovely hot bath. Even though it was one of those days when a hot bath just means a perfect place to cry alone. I wish I could cry. 

It was later ruined by another bloody nose ( I think #4 this week ) and cold dinner - BUT yummy dinner I didn't have to make because my husband is the best. 

He deserves a gold medal and a happier wife. He is so wonderful and thoughtful and selfless. He is absolutely guaranteed right there when I need him, doing exactly what I need him to- the "small stuff" the monotony of life- eating/making dinner, taking out the trash, letting the dogs out- being awesome. 

Thank you Heavenly Father for my husband. Thank you every single day. 

So today wasn't the best. It also wasn't the worst. But my days are full of worry. Full of what ifs and I'm scared. I'm stressed. I'm busy. I'm mostly terrified of what happens when life slows down enough for me to take it all in. Then I have to face what's happening and answer that awful question of "how I'm doing..." How am I doing?

I am doing whatever I can to stay busy enough to not deal with the mess inside. I am doing one breath at a time. I'm doing about as well as a patient in a psych ward. I'm f.i.n.e. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. I'm worn out. 

I'm also blessed. I'm also functioning. I'm succeeding at my job. I'm getting by. I'm okay. I'm strong. I'm grateful for help. I'm glad I'm not alone. I'm glad I have a working body. 

I miss being home. I miss my mom every moment. I am going. I am being. I wish people would stop asking how I am. 

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