There is a side of my personality that seems to dominate my life. I call her evil Lisa. She is rude, inconsiderate, negative, depressed, unmotivated, cutting, lazy, hopeless, worthless, full of mistakes, lost, critical, moody, bossy, mean, selfish, and most of the worst qualities found in human nature.
There is another side of my personality that always seems to be temporary. A glorious becoming person that recognizes her mistakes and works hard at living. She is lovely and energetic, affectionate and happy, positive and helpful. She loves to motivate and inspire other people and wants to Teach for America, start a family and be the best person she can be. She understands the gospel of Jesus Christ and applies the atonement fully. She is driven, motivated, and successful. She always greets trials with a smile and keeps going no matter what, never giving up and always trying a little harder to be a little better.
But then that becoming person tries to keep too many balls in the air at once, and soon things start to slip and her faith weakens, and more and more mistakes are made and shoved into her face. She realizes she won't ever keep on top of everything all the time. The dust starts to settle and soon what's important becomes second priority and then forgotten altogether. She loses her true identity and all the evil characteristics show their ugly face and take over. And then she's lost, alone, and wondering what happened, sitting in a familiar place called failure.
"I can't" becomes a more and more common thought and phrase used in her vocabulary and the downward spiral keeps going and going until she can't remember the last time she even tried to be happy, wishing she could just be happy, wishing something would save her, wishing the light would return, wanting so desperately for a solution, for hope.
Slowly she would take the seconds one at a time and try to start listing the good things, instead of the bad, choosing to smile instead of frown. She would recognize how many people love her and the support she has, deciphering the lies from the truth and refusing to throw in the towel. She would pick herself up just one more time in hopes that someone could take the weight off for awhile while she learned how to walk again. She would reach out to people who love her and appreciate her, and slowly start to live again instead of waiting for the next raincloud.
Someday there will come a time when waking up in the morning won't be so hard and putting one foot in front of the other won't be a conscious thought but an action of habit. One day I won't have to constantly fight myself every waking moment. I won't feel like I'm just wearing a mask, I'll actually be the person I've been working on becoming for my whole life. One day it will all be worth it, all the times I got back up when I wanted to quit. The times I said, "Just one more day" will pay off as years of life I actually tried to live life to the fullest. And instead of remembering all the dark days sitting alone in a corner crying, I'll cherish all the happy moments I decided to be happy and keep going, making memories with those people I love the most.
For those that are wondering, Depression is real. And it really sucks. It can come in many forms and ruins lives. It can be ignored, but only for so long. It rears it's ugly face in the most inconvenient times and tries to kick you when you're down, making you feel as insignificant and lonely as possible. Sometimes it wins and sometimes you win, but the battle doesn't ever stop. Just when I thought I was done, just when I thought I was victorious and free from the monster forever, it came back with a vengeance. Things I have always enjoyed become dull and feelings of love turn up empty. And now instead of feeling mad or sad or anything at all, I feel nothing, just an endless torment of a hollow heart. But even when I feel like the tin-man who wishes for a heart, I keep trying new things to bring back the life I once knew. One full of love and happiness that was full and bright. I keep fighting because I refuse to quit. Even when the weight of defeat is imminent and about to crush me, I slowly find the strength to push back and stand a little taller and to just keep going.
There is another side of my personality that always seems to be temporary. A glorious becoming person that recognizes her mistakes and works hard at living. She is lovely and energetic, affectionate and happy, positive and helpful. She loves to motivate and inspire other people and wants to Teach for America, start a family and be the best person she can be. She understands the gospel of Jesus Christ and applies the atonement fully. She is driven, motivated, and successful. She always greets trials with a smile and keeps going no matter what, never giving up and always trying a little harder to be a little better.
But then that becoming person tries to keep too many balls in the air at once, and soon things start to slip and her faith weakens, and more and more mistakes are made and shoved into her face. She realizes she won't ever keep on top of everything all the time. The dust starts to settle and soon what's important becomes second priority and then forgotten altogether. She loses her true identity and all the evil characteristics show their ugly face and take over. And then she's lost, alone, and wondering what happened, sitting in a familiar place called failure.
"I can't" becomes a more and more common thought and phrase used in her vocabulary and the downward spiral keeps going and going until she can't remember the last time she even tried to be happy, wishing she could just be happy, wishing something would save her, wishing the light would return, wanting so desperately for a solution, for hope.
Slowly she would take the seconds one at a time and try to start listing the good things, instead of the bad, choosing to smile instead of frown. She would recognize how many people love her and the support she has, deciphering the lies from the truth and refusing to throw in the towel. She would pick herself up just one more time in hopes that someone could take the weight off for awhile while she learned how to walk again. She would reach out to people who love her and appreciate her, and slowly start to live again instead of waiting for the next raincloud.
Someday there will come a time when waking up in the morning won't be so hard and putting one foot in front of the other won't be a conscious thought but an action of habit. One day I won't have to constantly fight myself every waking moment. I won't feel like I'm just wearing a mask, I'll actually be the person I've been working on becoming for my whole life. One day it will all be worth it, all the times I got back up when I wanted to quit. The times I said, "Just one more day" will pay off as years of life I actually tried to live life to the fullest. And instead of remembering all the dark days sitting alone in a corner crying, I'll cherish all the happy moments I decided to be happy and keep going, making memories with those people I love the most.
For those that are wondering, Depression is real. And it really sucks. It can come in many forms and ruins lives. It can be ignored, but only for so long. It rears it's ugly face in the most inconvenient times and tries to kick you when you're down, making you feel as insignificant and lonely as possible. Sometimes it wins and sometimes you win, but the battle doesn't ever stop. Just when I thought I was done, just when I thought I was victorious and free from the monster forever, it came back with a vengeance. Things I have always enjoyed become dull and feelings of love turn up empty. And now instead of feeling mad or sad or anything at all, I feel nothing, just an endless torment of a hollow heart. But even when I feel like the tin-man who wishes for a heart, I keep trying new things to bring back the life I once knew. One full of love and happiness that was full and bright. I keep fighting because I refuse to quit. Even when the weight of defeat is imminent and about to crush me, I slowly find the strength to push back and stand a little taller and to just keep going.
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