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Desperate

I'm desperate to have more time. To get to feel all the feels for longer...

I already experienced the last Christmas with my mom. Most likely the last Thanksgiving...
perhaps even the last fall.

There is a rush to make memories that just isn't fading away. I find myself grasping for ways to keep her close. I'm afraid that once she is gone, all the memories will vanish and I'll lose her forever. I want to make every moment special and rich, but cancer steals the hope away.

There are no words to describe this time passing. It is like watching a piece of your soul slowly wither away while you remain unaltered on the outside. Like having a bruised rib. No one can tell you're broken, but it hurts with every breath taken. Losing someone so close you- especially before they are actually gone- is like living with the dead.

Nothing makes much sense. Work seems meaningless- along with several other mundane routines. A dark cloud descends when I think about all the pain she is experiencing. It's one thing to be dying. It's a whole other story to be dying slowly and painfully. My soul is torn in half. Just let her go- but have her stay.

 I guess the redeeming quality is my knowledge that she will always live in my heart. Forever.

sigh.

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