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Ever feel like an actual failure at life?

Recently I've been very keen to notice the many areas of my life that seem to be failing. I wonder how they became that way and what to do about them now that they are in that terrifying state of failure-hood. At some point in life there has to be a time where you can't go back and redo and relearn. There are things you have to just miss the boat on, right? This has been a question that has plagued my mind for some time now. Is there a point? Or is it just fairytales from Satan that you can never "catch up" so to speak. I'm sure you are wondering about an example. Well, sometimes it seems as though I've missed the boat in taking in information. Its like my brain cannot process fast enough, or that I'm running in slow-motion compared to everyone else. Another big one is the idea of friendship. Some people who know me might label me as too nice, others may say stuck up or rude, forgetful or lacking compassion. So many times it feels like there is an evil Lisa who plagues my life and ruins all the good relationships I have with people. It's a balance, I think. There is one side that says, if you are best friends they should know that you care about them even if you haven't spoken in years. There is another side that says you should keep in touch and let them know they are important to you. Remember their birthday and send them cards just to say hi. That sort of thing. The latter, I'm afraid has never been strong quality of mine, unlike my sister who has a sent me a card every quarter for three years, which is a big deal in my book. So what? What's the point of this babble? Well most don't have a point, but this does. The point is, I'm sorry. I'm sorry and i don't know how to fix it. Changing your personality is hard. I think it's one of those fairytale ideas I mentioned before. If you really are a bad person, how late is too late to change? And how can you be sure that you truly have improved? Its hard when you're used to just waiting around for the next mistake and you've never been disappointed before. But what do you do when one morning you wake up and say, "I used to care. I don't know what changed, but I don't know how to fix it." but then I know the answer. You start on your knees and take one step at a time until life makes sense again. You keep looking up and hoping toward the future. You just keep swimming. You wake up and try and figure it out at first because too many people are expecting you to, or too many people care, or because you are too stubborn to realize your defeat. But then later, slowly it becomes because you can, because you want to again, because you can find a reason for life and for growth. Because ultimately, deep down inside- you believe everything people have been telling you ever since you were a kid. . . That God don't make no junk. That you are worth it. And that if the atonement only worked for just you, Jesus would have still made the sacrifice necessary to give you the chance of succeeding and returning to live with Heavenly Father again. L'oreal was right all along. You really are worth it. Don't let anyone ever tell you different, especially yourself. And remember, you are only a failure if you give up forever. The moment you try- you are already succeeding, because you are starting to move forward instead of drifting backward.

*note: in case you misunderstood the title of this blog, this post sums it up quite nicely.. It's just a bunch of babbling about thinks swimming around in my mind and subconscious. If it inspires you, then by all means continue to indulge. However, if it becomes a waste of your time, feel free to never return again. ;)

Enjoy life. It is never to late to get the hang of things, I promise.

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